Caffeine
Caffeine belongs to the class of chemical compounds called alkaloids. Other members of this dysfunctional family of codependents include nicotine, cocaine, morphine, and heroin. They all work on the brain in similar ways. While those other drugs may have their uses, caffeine is America's drug of choice. Ninety percent of us use caffeine every day. And like most patriotic Americans since 1773, I take mine in the form of coffee, making coffee beans second in value only to crude oil on the commodities exchange. Without me it would be fourth -- third at best.
Sleep, the bane of all good times, comes when adenosine, a chemical byproduct of energy production, binds with the adenosine receptors in your brain. A liquid alkaloid like caffeine tricks these receptors and binds with them instead. Some say it's not the fault of the adenosine receptors. I say they're fickle whores. Anyway, this trickery prevents you from getting sleepy. It also constricts your blood vessels. This is why coffee addicts get headaches when they quit: the blood vessels dilate. One reason pain-relievers stop withdrawal headaches is that they contain caffeine.
Along with the constricted blood vessels comes increased neuron firing. This alerts your pituitary gland which then faxes the adrenal gland to trigger the fight-or-flight response, releasing adrenaline into your blood stream. The adrenaline in your bloodstream then affects the level of dopamine in your brain. It's the dopamine that turned you into a caffeine addict in the first place. So, there you have it: tricky compounds, fickle whores, constricted blood vessels, rapid heartbeat, adrenaline, and dopamine. Feels goooood. You don't just love that coffee and cigarette, you need it, which is fine. You're an alkaloidaholic. Just be a functional alkaloidaholic. Know your SLAWCLAN.
If you never seem to win and you think pot odds refer to drug paraphernalia, I have to say that no amount of caffeine will help you, and you should come to my Thursday night game. For the rest of you figuring out how to take and maintain the proper dosage is the answer.
One 12-ounce cup of coffee contains 200 mg of caffeine; the same amount of tea has 140 mg. A 12-ounce can of Coke has 50 mg, and 1 ounce of chocolate has 6 mg. Keep in mind that caffeine has a half-life of six hours. This is the key to targeting your SLAWCLAN. So, let's examine a typical healthy snack of two mugs of coffee, a cup of tea, a can of coke and a pound of chocolate. That's 826 mg of caffeine in your system! Six hours later you're still going to have 413 mg coursing through your bloodstream. So when you start to wane, be sensible about your caffeine intake and don't have an entire snack again. Have only half a snack the second time around. Or skip the tea. Think SLAWCLAN. If, at 826 mg, you've still got those neurons firing like a new CEO trimming middle management, you don't need another 826 mg six hours later; 413 mg will suffice.
For some people, caffeine alone just won't do. Not to worry. In 1987, an Austrian named Dietrich Mateschitz had this great idea for a tiny can dressed up with a blue and silver coat of arms. Dietrich was dying to sell it to the public. Someone said, "Hey, you should put something in the can first." So, after searching the world over, he chose a variation on a popular Thai elixir. He called it Red Bull. And while I can think of six million reasons not to trust an Austrian, I must say this stuff works.
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