Red Bull

With 80 mg of caffeine and 27 grams of sugar, it's no wonder Red Bull is effective. But, in addition to loads of B-complex vitamins, it also has 1,000 mg of taurine and 600 mg of glucuronolactone. I don't mind 80 mg of caffeine and 27 grams of sugar. Hell, I don't mind a fifth of tequila and a gram of cocaine, but 1,000 mg of taurine and 600 mg of glucur-, glucuronol-, of that other stuff? Red Bull may work, but is it safe? How do taurine and -- how do those ingredients affect my SLAWCLAN? No one knows for sure. However, several rumors surrounding Red Bull prove not to be true.

The first rumor is that it's made from bull testicles. This is false. One sip can tell you that. It tastes nothing like bull's testicles. It tastes much worse.

The second is that glucu-rono-lactone is a derivative of rama-lama-ding-dong. It is not. And while it can be used as a substitute for rama-lama-ding-dong and has met with some success filling for walla-walla-bing-bang it is a carbohydrate and therefore wholly independent of all novelty song choruses.

The most pervasive rumor surrounding glucuronolactone is pure hoax. It has the Army in the early 1960s secretly synthesizing this stimulant and then using it on soldiers to boost morale in Vietnam. The scuttlebutt was that its use was discontinued after soldiers developed brain tumors or found it too difficult to pronounce. Either way, the U.S. government supposedly banned it. This rumor is easy to debunk. Anyone who knows anything about American foreign policy during the Cold War knows that American GIs used heroin, opium, and prostitutes to boost morale.

The second ingredient in Red Bull that warrants a head-scratch and a "Huh?" is taurine. It turns out that taurine is a conditionally essential amino acid. It's so called because we need it and our bodies can't produce it. Now the other amino acids pick on taurine because it isn't used in protein synthesis. Shame on them! Taurine plays an essential role in bile acid metabolism! It emulsifies dietary lipids in the intestine! It promotes digestion and aids in detoxification! Take that, you other amino acids. Apparently, it's really important.

Now, don't panic that you're suffering from taurine deficiency. You're not. You're suffering from something else. And even if you are, you can find products rich in taurine in special stores. Stores that sell food. Taurine-rich substances like meat and fish are often at such stores. Ask around, there may be one in your neighborhood.

But the really good news about taurine is that it has met with some success in treating cardiovascular disease, epilepsy, macular degeneration, Alzheimer's, and alcoholism. So if you're prone to forgetting about spasmodic fits of blind drunkenness, there's hope. Or at least a clinical trial for you somewhere.

There's not a lot of information on how exactly Red Bull works. It's not a substitute for your morning pot of coffee. I tried it, but at 11 am the body craves caffeine, and 80 mg just won't do. But as an early-evening pick-me-up it's quite effective. My guess is that the caffeine gives you a quick boost, which keeps you up until the sugar kicks in, which then helps ignite the carbohydrate glucuronolactone as a longer-lasting energy source. All of this while the taurine is amping up your digestion. The net result is that you get a burst of energy that is sustained over several hours, without the caffeine crash. If only it tasted like bull's testicles.

Because of all the other ingredients in Red Bull and other energy drinks, it's difficult to devise a SLAWCLAN. As with straight caffeine, each person has his own tolerance. Experiment at home. Grade your ability to focus in a way meaningful to you. Keep accurate logs on your caffeine consumption and just remember, it's for the kids. They'll have money one day that you can borrow.

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