Thoughts on radical honesty
Bond18: "Nope, not for a second."
I was reading an Esquire magazine back in 2007 and came accross an interesting article entitled "I Think You're Fat" (which you can read here: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707) and was introduced to a concept known as radical honesty. The concept was coined by an interesting and eccentric psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. I won't waste everyone's time trying to summarize the article, so I'll simply quote the most important part:
"He says everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough -- a world without fibs -- but Blanton goes further. He says we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it. Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you're having fantasies about your wife's sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It's the only path to authentic relationships. It's the only way to smash through modernity's soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing."
I thought a long time about the concept and over the last few years have attempted to put it into practice in my own way. I've come to the conclusion that I believe Blanton is half right; I completely agree that with every lie you tell someone you cheapen your relationship with them, but I disagree that there is a necessity to voice every thought as that seems excessive, unnecessary, and would make you very annoying to be around. Additionally, I don't see the point in being 100% honest with every person you meet; only with those whose relationship you genuinely care about. For example, if a homeless guy walks up to me on the street with a needle sticking out of his arm and asks for some change for "the bus" I don't care if I've got a roll of quarters in my pocket he's not getting shit and I'm telling him "Sorry, none on me." I feel no need to tell this random and unimportant person the truth, which would sound something like "Well actually I do have quite a bit of change, a roll of quarters in fact, but I have no intention of giving them to because I believe you'll spend them all on drugs, and I need that money for drugs myself." I wouldn't say anything like that though, because drug addicts are an unpredictable bunch and I don't need him doing something crazy because I've refused his request in order to fulfill my own selfish needs. Conversely, I like to think that I would never lie, about anything, to a person I would call a friend. The exception exists if another person who I had promised trust to asked me to keep something private, in which case the prior commitment to truth clearly superceeds the current request for it. Still, I'm certain I don't carry this out with 100% effectivness, but I'm always trying. I'm such a nit about it that if someone asks me for the time and it's 3:48, I'll never say it's 3:50, I'll give them the exact time.
If you do decide to attempt something like this, you'll face a lot of resistance in the early goings. I've lost friends, ruined professional opportunities, had people close to me say things like "I'm ashamed of you", and disqualified myself from lord knows how many girls. People like being able to figure you out and put you into boxes, and when you shatter their expectations of your behavior in such a forward way it can throw many of them for a loop and make them uncomfortable, particularly if they're forced to confront the idea that the two of you never shared the same values in the way they thought you did. It can also be difficult to express information you used to consider highly personal and not being reactionary about the kind of responses you get. I think the key is to phrase everything in a very polite, non confrontational way and try to communicate to people that you're trying to really talk to them instead of just telling them what your approximation of what they want to hear is (or are capable of hearing). However, over time you'll find that those who engage your new manner of speaking wind up really appreciating it because they know that nothing you say to them is sugar coated; only your authentic thoughts. The end result is a much more genuine relationship with those who you spend your time with and care about, instead of the pretend relationships that most people engage in. At this stage, I can't even fathom how most people interact with each other and lie so casually, and I can't see the point. It seems to me that the whole point of spenidng time with people whose company you enjoy is that you have the opportunity to be yourself and have that person accept and encourage you to be who you are, including all your flaws or things others would brand as flaws. As far as I'm concerned, every time I lie to someone I insult their intelligence and condescend to them by making an assumption about their maturity and ability to handle the truth and reality. It seems to me that most people are happy floating through life in what I call a "pretend world". They are just fine lying whenever it's convienent and easy for them because telling the truth would be uncomfortable and potentially damaging to their interests and their relationships, and so it's possible that not a single person close to them knows who they really are and what they really think. The relationship then becomes a sort of idealized pretend relationship where both people present the face they hope the other can swallow and enjoy the presence of. That seems like a lot of work to me, and I'd rather just tell people exactly who I am and what I think and let them make their own decision about whether I'm the kind of person they want to be around.
Another major benefit of learning to function like this is not only your improved and honest relationship with others, but with yourself. When Dan asked whether I thought there was too much information about me on the internet I didn't even have to think about the answer because no matter how many people know any positive or negative things about me it doesn't change the truth about their existance; it doesn't change the reality of the situation. Whenever a friend says something to me like "Can I ask you a personal question?" I always tell them "There's no such thing as a personal question with me, nothing is off limits, and nothing you find out about me will change how true it is". In fact, a person doesn't even have to be a friend; as far as I'm concerned any random person accross the table could ask me whatever they want and I'll answer them as politely and directly as if they'd asked for the time. It's not that I don't care what people think about me (as the complete lack of empathy would make me a clinical sociopath) it's that I've come to realize that I prefer speaking to people in a way that allows for a genuine communication no matter how much judgement it may potentially bring with it. I'm sure that many believe this is easy for someone with no job to pull off, but I think that it's possible for anyone if make a serious shift in your values.
So try it out sometime, just tell the truth as much as you can. Turn it into a habit and you'll wonder how you ever did it any other way.
Poker Journal Day 60
Day 60, April 22nd: No poker today. Today was spent on the beach, out with friends, and seeing a movie in the evening. There was nothing particularly interesting or worth writing, but I feel like doing some writing tonight so I'm going to do an entry on an unrelated topic.
Poker Journal Day 59
Day 59, April 21st part 2: I got the opportunity to live the same day twice as a result of passing over the international date line while on the flight. I got to Cade's house without any trouble and we quickly set out for lunch and the beach. We lounged around Waikiki for a few hours basking in the sun while I occasionally ran off to chat up some girl. Unfortunately, I had one of those days where most of the girls I talked to seemed to have a boyfriend or fiance; happens that way sometimes.
In the late afternoon we met up with Cade's lovely girlfriend Kari and went off to the mall, dinner, and eventually the gym. At dinner I glanced accross the restaurant and saw what appeared to be Mike Matusow eating with a lady friend. Cade and I debated whether it was actually him, and when he walked by I said hello to him and made some polite banter about why he was here and not at the Bellagio. We worked for PokerSavvy together and sat next to each other in last years Bellagio 25k and I've always had a respect for Mike's blunt honesty with his life and flaws, even if he goes on some pretty inane tangents. He didn't remember me (not that he would have any reason to as our previous interactions were brief and I'm irrelevant in the poker industry outside of 2+2 and Savvy) but was very pleasant and explained that he didn't see the point in playing the 25k this year given how tough the field is.
This log has been heavily lacking in poker content for a while now. That won't be changing during my few days in Hawaii as I'll be using it as a short respite from my intense work and work out ethic, but the moment I arrive in Las Vegas I'll be pushing myself very hard at poker. Not only do I want to play and improve a ton at tournaments over the coming months, I'd like to learn heads up cash while I have such phenominal talents like LuckyChewy and KingDan that are willing to coach me.
Poker Journal Day 58
Day 58, April 21st: It was my final day in Melbourne today. I had finished most of my packing yesterday but had a few things to sort out in the early afternoon today before my flight. I grabbed lunch with my girlfriend in the city and then she skipped university to come help me sort things out back home and load the items I'm putting into storage into her car. It turns out I can fit my entire Australian life of five years into two overpacked suit cases and four medium sized boxes. My girlfriend doesn't like to be written about except briefly and in passing but I will say this; she's an amazing girl and if the move situation prevents things between us from working out then whoever eventually lands her is a hell of a lot luckier than any man I met in my seven years of poker. I wound up having to take a cab to the airport as there simply wasn't enough room in her car for everything.
At the airport I was informed that because I had 52k of luggage and the domestic allowance was 24k I would have to pay about $300 extra to get my bags to Sydney. Then the girl at the counter asked if I was continuing on anything and I told her that I was, to Hawaii. She said that changes thing and that if I can produce my itinerary I could have the fee waived since the allowance for Hawaiian airlines international flights was 64k. I told her I wasn't carrying it but that I could go pull it up on my laptop. I walked away from the counter, found a place to sit down, opened my laptop, then paid for the airport internet useage and fired up the email with the itinerary. I returned to the back of the line, now much longer than before, and when I arrived at the front with a new girl at the counter I was informed that the previous girl had made a mistake and that because my tickets were booked seperately I would indeed have to pay the fee. It was the most agitated I can recall being in some time; I expressed it by saying nothing.
Both my flights were pleasant and without event. I read for the entire first, part of the second, and fell asleep somewhere over the Pacific.
Poker Journal Day 57
Day 57, April 20th: It was my last day to spend and enjoy in Melbourne. I went to lunch with a friend then had another over to hang out while I packed and got stoned. Then we made a trek into the city with all the coinage I'd collected over the last eight months and had the machine at the bank count it. Turns out I had $424 Australian in coin lying around, and I didn't even come close to picking it all up. That shit tends to pile up.
I accomplished some odd feats in the my eight months in Australia. I realized that I had never really opened my mail during that period on my own free will. Occasionally something would stop working, I would investigate in the mail and discover I had not paid something or performed something properly, fix it, and then return to normal. I'm not sure I ever played my Xbox. I never finished unpacking one bag that I set in the laundry room. I never unpacked several of the boxes of things that I had inherited from my break up, making their return very easy.
I know that I will miss Australia immensely. These quirky people have managed to assemble what I believe to be the most livable country in the world. They call Australia the "Lucky Country" and I can tell you from having been here a while, those who have the right to live here are truly lucky.
Poker Journal Day 56
Day 56, April 19th: No poker today again as expected. I had the cleaners in and the real estate agent over to check out the place. Despite all my antics, we've kept the place in respectable condition and I believe I'll get my bond back without issue.
In the evening I had considerable packing to do and had to try to figure out which items were of the most relevance. Naturally, suits got priority.
Poker Journal Day 55
Day 55, April 18th: No poker of any kind for me today. Instead, I did fuck all and got a message from KingDan that "Randal won me 17k today."
"Wait, what? What the hell did Randal do?"
"He won the Bellagio 5k for 166k"
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP"
Lucky for me I had randomly bought 10% of Randal in one of the first if not my only percentage purchase of the year. I remember him having his status on AIM that he was selling pieces in it and thinking it was curious that was usual backer wasn't putting him in since the $5000 before the main generally draws a pretty big field and Randal is ill. I figured it was $500 or thereabouts and what the hell, and yet again finding random percentage pieces worked out very well for me. I've got a long history at running hot with these kind of things, and earlier this year I swapped 5% with Kristian Lunardi with about 40 left in the Aussie Millions $2200 6 max which he went on to win the title in. I truly can't imagine what my ROI would be in swaps and percentage buying over the course of my life.
Poker Journal Day 54
Day 54, April 17th: Again no poker today. I slept until 3pm after being out and up so late last night, and spent most of my day hanging out with friends then attending a 21st birthday party. I finally managed to book my flights; I leave for Honolulu on Wednesday evening and hang out there until the 25th when I fly to Vegas. I'll be there two days before the Caesar's $5000 event and I'm really looking forward to it.
Poker Journal Day 53
Day 53, April 16th: No poker today. I offered a free day game talk for guys around Melbourne and had them over to the apartment. About 10 guys showed up and I spoke for roughly an hour before we hit the streets and started putting our discussion into practice.
In the evening I had my going away party. We started off with a small group of us grabbing Korean BBQ then had drinks at Golden Monkey bar. By midnight we had a larger group and those left were fairly intoxicated, so we took things over to KBox karaoke and sung our hearts out for the next two hours. I wound up pretty wasted between the booze, cigars, and weed and had a thoroughly awesome time. I'm really going to miss this place.
Poker Journal Day 52
Day 52, April 15th: No poker today. I went into the city to grab a few things and more or less had a lazy day spent socializing.