Bond18 Tony 'Bond18' Dunst – Spewing With Bond18

I was reading an Esquire magazine back in 2007 and came accross an interesting article entitled "I Think You're Fat" (which you can read here: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707) and was introduced to a concept known as radical honesty. The concept was coined by an interesting and eccentric psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. I won't waste everyone's time trying to summarize the article, so I'll simply quote the most important part:

"He says everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough -- a world without fibs -- but Blanton goes further. He says we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it. Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you're having fantasies about your wife's sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It's the only path to authentic relationships. It's the only way to smash through modernity's soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing."

I thought a long time about the concept and over the last few years have attempted to put it into practice in my own way. I've come to the conclusion that I believe Blanton is half right; I completely agree that with every lie you tell someone you cheapen your relationship with them, but I disagree that there is a necessity to voice every thought as that seems excessive, unnecessary, and would make you very annoying to be around. Additionally, I don't see the point in being 100% honest with every person you meet; only with those whose relationship you genuinely care about. For example, if a homeless guy walks up to me on the street with a needle sticking out of his arm and asks for some change for "the bus" I don't care if I've got a roll of quarters in my pocket he's not getting shit and I'm telling him "Sorry, none on me." I feel no need to tell this random and unimportant person the truth, which would sound something like "Well actually I do have quite a bit of change, a roll of quarters in fact, but I have no intention of giving them to because I believe you'll spend them all on drugs, and I need that money for drugs myself." I wouldn't say anything like that though, because drug addicts are an unpredictable bunch and I don't need him doing something crazy because I've refused his request in order to fulfill my own selfish needs. Conversely, I like to think that I would never lie, about anything, to a person I would call a friend. The exception exists if another person who I had promised trust to asked me to keep something private, in which case the prior commitment to truth clearly superceeds the current request for it. Still, I'm certain I don't carry this out with 100% effectivness, but I'm always trying. I'm such a nit about it that if someone asks me for the time and it's 3:48, I'll never say it's 3:50, I'll give them the exact time.

If you do decide to attempt something like this, you'll face a lot of resistance in the early goings. I've lost friends, ruined professional opportunities, had people close to me say things like "I'm ashamed of you", and disqualified myself from lord knows how many girls. People like being able to figure you out and put you into boxes, and when you shatter their expectations of your behavior in such a forward way it can throw many of them for a loop and make them uncomfortable, particularly if they're forced to confront the idea that the two of you never shared the same values in the way they thought you did. It can also be difficult to express information you used to consider highly personal and not being reactionary about the kind of responses you get. I think the key is to phrase everything in a very polite, non confrontational way and try to communicate to people that you're trying to really talk to them instead of just telling them what your approximation of what they want to hear is (or are capable of hearing). However, over time you'll find that those who engage your new manner of speaking wind up really appreciating it because they know that nothing you say to them is sugar coated; only your authentic thoughts. The end result is a much more genuine relationship with those who you spend your time with and care about, instead of the pretend relationships that most people engage in. At this stage, I can't even fathom how most people interact with each other and lie so casually, and I can't see the point. It seems to me that the whole point of spenidng time with people whose company you enjoy is that you have the opportunity to be yourself and have that person accept and encourage you to be who you are, including all your flaws or things others would brand as flaws. As far as I'm concerned, every time I lie to someone I insult their intelligence and condescend to them by making an assumption about their maturity and ability to handle the truth and reality. It seems to me that most people are happy floating through life in what I call a "pretend world". They are just fine lying whenever it's convienent and easy for them because telling the truth would be uncomfortable and potentially damaging to their interests and their relationships, and so it's possible that not a single person close to them knows who they really are and what they really think. The relationship then becomes a sort of idealized pretend relationship where both people present the face they hope the other can swallow and enjoy the presence of. That seems like a lot of work to me, and I'd rather just tell people exactly who I am and what I think and let them make their own decision about whether I'm the kind of person they want to be around.

Another major benefit of learning to function like this is not only your improved and honest relationship with others, but with yourself. When Dan asked whether I thought there was too much information about me on the internet I didn't even have to think about the answer because no matter how many people know any positive or negative things about me it doesn't change the truth about their existance; it doesn't change the reality of the situation. Whenever a friend says something to me like "Can I ask you a personal question?" I always tell them "There's no such thing as a personal question with me, nothing is off limits, and nothing you find out about me will change how true it is". In fact, a person doesn't even have to be a friend; as far as I'm concerned any random person accross the table could ask me whatever they want and I'll answer them as politely and directly as if they'd asked for the time. It's not that I don't care what people think about me (as the complete lack of empathy would make me a clinical sociopath) it's that I've come to realize that I prefer speaking to people in a way that allows for a genuine communication no matter how much judgement it may potentially bring with it. I'm sure that many believe this is easy for someone with no job to pull off, but I think that it's possible for anyone if make a serious shift in your values.

So try it out sometime, just tell the truth as much as you can. Turn it into a habit and you'll wonder how you ever did it any other way.