At a medium limit table at in Las Vegas recently, I was given a seat at beside an older gentleman. He’d obviously been sitting in that same chair for some time, and I gathered that he must have been a regular at this particular casino. In fact, the dealers and floor manager seemed to know him quite well. Out of boredom, he struck up a conversation with me, telling me how he’d learned the game in the Army after World War II. He explained that much of his life now revolved around poker and “his” card room. When I asked him why he thought that was, he replied with the following stoic, forceful yet simple sentence: “I love poker.” A young, egotistical player to my right overheard this comment and reacted with a rude chuckle and sigh. That young player thought the notion of loving poker, and living to play poker, was nothing short of ridiculous and funny. Instead, I nodded while easily understanding to the old man’s beliefs.
The youngster was not respecting the game, as he does not yet truly grasp its power and influence. In reality, we find that the evolution of our relationship with poker mirrors any relationship we have, including a relationship with a girlfriend or spouse. We, indeed, can have a psychological lifelong love affair with the game of poker.
I suppose that “love” certainly is an overused word these days. We say that we love cheesecake, we love the TV show Survivor, and we love Mustang convertibles. These sorts of blasé statements have a way of minimizing the true power that the word “love” honestly deserves. Psychologically speaking, love is a grand and complex notion. It involves a complicated mix of emotions that have never truly been mapped by psychologists. Love exists in all cultures in the world, and has been noted in the animal kingdom as well. In my opinion, we should reserve the use of the word for only the most impactful situations. With all of that being said, is it hypocritical for me to contest that many of us honestly LOVE the game of poker?
The Beginning: Curiosity/Interest
Somewhere in America right now, a guy is leaning on a bar flirting with some beautiful girl that he just met. His heart flutters with excitement, as his physical attraction for her leads him to take a chance. The initial attraction hampers his thinking, making him assume that she is nearly perfect, by default. He discounts the fact that she is undoubtedly putting her best features forward while masking any shortcomings.
At the same time, many guys are out there curiously pausing their TV on a poker tournament. As they watch they lean-in towards the TV, displaying complete enthrallment of the prospect of this compelling event. They see nearly a perfect game, discounting the fact that it is tightly edited to make an enthralling hour of television. Instead, they look at only the possibilities –-- the “what-if’s” and “maybe-I’s.” Soon, these would-be poker players will be “asking for a date” with poker by logging online to play for fake money, inviting buddies over for a low-limit game, or by purchasing a poker video game. The relationship has been sparked.
Hit the Ground Running: Immersion
Is there anything more annoying than dealing with a friend who is in the midst of puppy love? This is generally the time frame during the first couple of dates, when things are seemingly perfect. Every waking minute involves thinking about their new love. When they are not with their date, they are planning the next visit. They invest an enormous amount of the time and energy in the relationship, expecting it to be long lasting and fruitful. The focus of their lives seems to change to this newfound love, and their behavior is just a bit out of the ordinary. They carry themselves with high energy and zest.
This is much like those who are beginning the immersion process with poker. They have amazingly high energy and interest for the game. They read every book on poker that they can find at the local bookstore. Their TV stays locked on the channels that run poker tournaments. They sneak peeks at poker forums on the Internet while at work. They beg their friends to start a game on a regular basis. They log tons of hours online playing at low limit tables and quick tournaments. They are enthralled by poker, and envision themselves bluffing-off Johnny Chan at the final table of the World Series. They assume that they can make it. Moreover, they assume that they can be great. When at the table, they play aggressively, bold, and fast. They bluff an inordinate amount of the time, foolishly thinking they can master the table. They too quickly become immersed into the game, thrusting themselves into the endeavor with high goals and wishes.
Slowing Down: Forming
When the initial buzzing energy begins to settle, our task is then to make understandings with our partner. At this stage of the relationship, our guard begins to be let down and we allow our true personality shine through. This is when we start to forming common behavior patterns with each other – how you decide where to go for dinner, who does which chore, etc. This can be a bumpy ride, causing some relationships to cease at this juncture.
Poker players reach a forming stage in a similar way. After the initial energy and infatuation with the game subsides, the new player just settles into themselves and into the game. They reach a higher understanding of the ebbs and flows of the game. They start to uncover their playing style. Mostly, they begin to see their vulnerability within the sport. They must adjust to the realization that they will not be able to easily run over other players and dominate play. They also uncover the fact that this game is not the sexy, exciting contest that is seen on the television screen. Like a man seeing flaws for the first time in his “puppy-love” date partner, there is a bit of remorse in losing the image of the perfect game. “Poker isn’t total excitement,” and “I can’t always win,” can be difficult thoughts to process and accept. This can also be a bumpy ride, causing some to lose interest in poker at this juncture.
Overcoming Obstacles: Storming
Every relationship will undoubtedly reach stages of storming. In this stage, undesirable emotions will boil beneath the surface. Frustration, boredom, and resentment may be replacing that infatuation that once was held for that other person. Each partner longs for the excitement that once overtook the relationship, and they hold the other partner responsible for having that spark fade away. The questioning and guilt begin to force a reevaluation of the relationship, causing arguments and doubt to be higher than ever. Many love relationships do not survive this strenuous stage, as the dreams of perfection have faded and replaced with a reality of compromise and mutual work.
Storming also occurs after some time within the game of poker. The learning curve in this sport can be brutal, and rather expensive. Bad beats and bad play cause most new players to face a dramatic drop in their bankroll. The game is no longer simple excitement and fun. The energy and zest that they once held for the game has faded, and time at the table begins to grind. As they scrape to turn a meager profit at $2-4 tables, their lofty dreams of the final table of the WSOP seems like a distant memory or an impossible whim. The previously held enchantment for the sport has not subsided, and players must labor through some emotional and financial waves as they progress. The poker “bug” continues to infect some through these tumultuous times, but for many these experiences lead to the end of the poker adventure. The emotional grind, the time investment, and the financial risks are too much to endure for many. In reality, few players truly survive this difficult stage. Many will back off when they reach the storming stage, choosing to limit their play to occasional recreational efforts. Soon, poker is an after-thought to them. The instability of the psychologically dangerous time causes most players to step on the brakes (or turn the car around completely.)
Easy Does It: Coming to an Understanding
If the couple does persevere through the storms, things have changed in their heart and mind. They work through the emotions to find an understanding of where the relationship is, and where it is going. After some time, they find that the relationship comes rather easily with only occasional hiccups. Although predictability brings about the danger of monotony and boredom, it also brings with it a continual feeling of comfort and safety. Put simply, being with the partner feels “right.” Each partner accepts their role, the shortcomings of their partner, and loves and accepts them through everything. The relationship runs the risk of becoming stale at this stage, and participants must work to avoid falling into emotionless patterns.
Poker players who’ve survived the storms are usually more cynical yet more insightful. Overall, bad beats or bad runs do not faze them. They accept swings in the bankroll more easily than ever, and actually expect these types of ups and downs. Although poker no longer ignites the giddy excitement that it did in the beginning, it still has special qualities that find ways to suck those in the understanding phase back like a strong magnet. Players who have reached this understanding of poker and their game usually fall into comforting patterns, playing similar games at similar buy-in levels. They frequent the same websites and the same live casinos. Like a marriage that has reached the comfort level, poker players in this stage must actively work to avoid losing their spark and drive. Players can easily accept being “good enough” at their level and their casino, losing sight of those lofty dreams that they once held. Players must not allow themselves to get stagnant; if you are not learning and improving you are not playing the game optimally.
Food, Water, and Poker: Reliance
Once comfort and understanding have set in, partners will find themselves expecting the other to always be there for them. A day without the other’s love, support, and acceptance is nearly unimaginable. The individuality of each partner becomes fuzzy, as they are truly a “couple.” Like an undividable team, each member does not act without automatically thinking of the other. They quite literally need each other to emotionally and mentally survive. Perhaps the deepest love, this is undying and fully entwined.
Poker players who’ve reached this level reach an interesting emotional place, as some observers pity them for reaching such a level of reliance, while other revere them for the same fact. Judgments aside, the fact is that these players are absolutely players for life. They play poker and think of poker at any opportunity offered to them. To play is to breathe for them – a necessity. Essentially, poker is a piece of their lives that they cannot live without. Poker fills several of their emotional needs: friendship, belonging, acceptance, comfort, and simply feeling alive. At this late stage, the hunger and drive generally subsides, and it only sparks during special events or unique circumstances. At their core, they are poker, and poker is a part of them. It is not necessarily an addiction, as addiction implies a negative interference with normal daily functioning. Instead, this is a part of their lives which brings them security, comfort, and normalcy. It is an outlet for their sense of competitiveness, a chance for camaraderie, and an opportunity to stir their internal energy. Players who are reliant on poker can be successful at work, family, and general life, but they still lean heavily on the game of poker for some emotional needs.
Non-Linear
This is an appropriate time for a caveat. These stages are not always linear, and not always exacting. Many of us fluctuate from one stage to another. Circumstances may compel us to regress into storming after being in a comfort stage for some time. We may get stuck in a grey-area between immersion and curiosity. As with many principles in psychology, think in a more generalized global framework. This is not an exacting Mathematical equation. Instead, your aim is to get a better general concept of how your mind works, and how your opponents’ minds work. The more you know about yourself and your opposition, the more success you can expect at the tables.
I “Love” Poker?
So, what is your self-analysis? Still rooted in some elements of curiosity of the game? Perhaps you’ve been frustrated as you endure the storming part of your poker relationship. I bet you, at some level, you do indeed love the game -- don’t you? You see, I believe that saying that you love cheesecake is rather ridiculous. You have no emotional relationship with it. There are no goals associated with it. It does not consume your thoughts during the day. You would not defend it if it were under attack. Hey, it is fine to say that you really, really like cheesecake. Say it is scrumptious. Say it is delicious. Say it is your favorite dessert. But don’t say you love it. Now as for poker, I’d bet that you do love it. Taking the time to search for and read this article is part of the proof, to be honest. If someone at your workplace started to blast poker, saying it is boring and overplayed in TV, I’d bet that you’d defend the honor of the game by retorting his arguments. I bet you think about poker when you’re not at the table. Come on, you can’t deny that you’ve daydreamed about picking up pocket Aces while you were supposed to be hitting a deadline for your boss. I bet you that when poker is going good and you are steadily winning, it has a way of brightening your whole life. On the flipside, I bet you that a cold streak of cards can put you in a bad mood for days.
You love poker. Welcome to the club, my friend. She is a mistress that we all share. She is complicated. She is pure. She is traditional. She can never really be conquered. She will always challenge us. Even when she frustrates us to the point where we swear her off forever and say that we hate her, we still come crawling back again and again to ask for another chance. This is the root of poker psychology. We, for the most part, are not poker addicts. We are not driven by some uncontrollable compulsion that a gambling addict or drug addict might endure. We are simply love struck. We can’t get enough of it. We love the game.
Much like any relationship, our love of poker started off with some simple flirtation. It attracted us via seeing it on TV, in the movie Rounders, or at some home game with friends and co-workers. Like any new “puppy-love,” we were giddy with excitement about the possibilities. We thought that poker might bring us happiness, income through winnings, an interesting psychological challenge, and a whole bunch of fun to our lives. At this early stage, poker was a haunting yet alluring mystery. We wanted to know more.
Things started to get serious pretty fast. We jumped right into it by studying instructional poker DVDs, combing through poker websites, reading poker books, and playing as many hands as possible. It was a whirlwind. We bought chip sets and chip racks. We shopped for good rates on poker table tops. We even purchased cheesy poker T-shirts and garb so we could look the part of a poker pro. We could not get enough poker, and we thought that this sort of excitement level would never fade for the game. It was an exciting time in our relationship with the game.
Things were not always so rosy, though. After some time, it got harder to find the time to invest into the game. Finding guys to come to the home games got tougher and tougher. Some losses at the poker table made us question our convictions and loyalty for the game. We never saw it coming. Even though it is obvious that all relationships have bumps in the road, we never though it would be like this with poker.
Alas, we weathered the storms. We survived through the cold cards, bad beats, and poorly-timed bluffs. We sat through some terribly-produced poker shows. We watched some of our ex-tablemates turn to other pastimes. Through the ups and the downs, we have stuck to the game. The puppy love is now more like a long term relationship. We are comfortable with our relationship with the game. While we may not get that bubbly feeling in our stomach when we buy into a game anymore, we are OK with that. We still have our special moments when we hit a final table or score a nice profit. The relationship is now built on comfort and reliability. Poker is always there for us, and we partially need it in our lives. It is a part of us.
So, I’ll scoff if I ever hear you say that you love the TV show Friends. If I hear you say that you love poker, though, I will not argue. Non-poker fans would not understand it. Most psychologists would not really be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together, either. Being a poker guy and a Mental Health Counselor, I understand that we have a deep emotional connection with this amazing game. I know that we can indeed love the game: the camaraderie, the atmosphere of the card room, the challenge the game continually presents, the competition, and the energy.
For better or worse, though, the older man beside me at that Vegas casino probably did indeed feel a deep love for poker. I’d say that he was in the midst of the stage of reliance.
When you honestly understand the lifelong love affair with poker, perhaps one day you will also be saying, “I love poker.”
In addition to being a poker columnist and lecturer, John is a National Certified Counselor (NCC). He has a Master of Arts degree in Counseling from West Virginia University, and a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology with a minor in Sociology from Lock Haven University. You can arrange for interviews, speaking engagements, or find out more about the psychology of poker by emailing carlisle14@hotmail.com.
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